i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
