And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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