She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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