apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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