I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
