My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
