No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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