Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
