i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Say something about gay babies.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
