Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
