Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
