he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
