can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Randomize
