When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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