My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
