He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
