Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
