i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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