i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
