the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
