it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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