I want you more than these girls want KFC
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
