basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
