my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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