I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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