just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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