I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
