haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
