Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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