You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
