He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
