I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
