god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
God I need to hump something, right now.
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