he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This is my gift to your gina
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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