The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
