I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
