I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
