i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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