Umm I'm too high to move.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
