Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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