Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
