she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My cat gives me a boner
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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