This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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