I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
