I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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