and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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