I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
