my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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