So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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