We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
