i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
