I'm laying in your front yard are you home
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
